3 days after giving birth, piles of clean burp cloths and a perfectly organised nursery only was an emblem of the ‘surface’ levels of order I craved: Would Ezekiel get more than enough breastmilk from me and gain weight as he should? How would I go when my husband goes back to work and it’s just a newborn and I all day? What would be my new normal? Ezekiel cried a lot in the evenings and I would sit for hours breastfeeding him and burping on repeat. I was relieved that he was happy and healthy but deep down I knew something was amiss in my soul.
Maintaining an ‘identity’ of perfection on the surface (while feeling like was crumbling inside) robbed me of deep joy and satisfaction in the early days of motherhood.
Over the next few weeks, I wrestled with ‘What is my identity now that I am a mum?’
Re-discovering My Identity in Christ
For seven years prior to Ezekiel’s birth, I ran a successful wedding photography business, daily meeting clients, typing away on my laptop at cafes, scheduling my days and planning my year with business mentors. I had ‘control’ over most aspects of my daily life. At first, I resisted finding my identity in Christ during the early days of becoming mum. Surely I can still have both the business and the baby, I thought: I can shoot weddings on Saturdays, meet clients in the week and keep on top of all my administration tasks.
Around the time I had Ezekiel, I had a vivid vision from God and felt convicted to let my wedding photography business come to a close. This was confirmed through prayer, chats with my husband Josh and a deep sense in my spirit it was time to move on.
At first, I felt confused. I could easily make our family an extra income each month which would help pay off our mortgage and fund trips to see my family overseas. Yet God called me to end my business.
I trusted God and let go. This wasn’t easy and I was humbled as I gave up the business!
Embracing my Identity in Christ
Over the months that followed, I relinquished control and striving for ‘perfection’ on a surface level. Ezekiel grew and my heart softened. He called me ‘mama’ and ran to me in a crowd of people, beaming and overjoyed to be welcomed into my arms.
My heart found who I was created to be and let go of who I wanted to create myself to be. (I loved writing and felt God calling me to write – cue Seaglass)!
While daily changing nappies, cleaning the kitchen for the 1,095th time and through long cuddles and countless books read, I know that I’m working toward raising future generations and instilling joy and God’s love into Ezekiel’s life. While splashing in the waves together at the beach, teaching him new words, reading books together, and spending time with my husband over warm home-cooked meals, I embraced the beauty of motherhood.
My joy is not in what I have achieved and chosen for myself, but rather my joy is in surrendering to God and finding purpose in His calling and His Kingdom. How wholeheartedly liberating and freeing!
It is a paradox to find oneself by losing oneself, but truly, I believe it is what we are created for.
Part 2 to follow… there’s too much to share for one post!
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